Hurt - Johnny Cash

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

The legendary country musician Johnny Cash fought a lifetime of drug addiction before returning to Christianity. I didn't realise how popular he was in Sweden until I saw 'Hurt' being played almost every instance at the student cafeteria (Skogis) in Umea University. It's one of those dark songs which border the fine line of 'depressing' or 'deeply personal' depending on when you listen to it. Recommended if you know the story of Johhny Cash or have watched 'Walk The Line'

Tooting Horns

Oh well, although monetarily the promotion doesn't work out to much, nevertheless its heartening to be recognized for a job well done (although I suspect my line-manager really wanted me to have an iPhone since I whined about having one all the time and this is his way of shutting me up) For those who are curious to know what I do now, I came in as a lowly graduate in a British firm starting from scratch.

Not one to blow my trumpet, I'll let my ex-line managers and client do it for me here. Below is a compilation of testimonials which was submitted last year for the Women in Construction Starter Award (which I didn't win but unabashedly felt proud for)

My first line manager at the Shard, P.R.'s, testimonial

"Fiona has done an excellent job as Project Controls Assistant at the Shard where she has designed, implemented and taken responsibility for the timely issue of various dashboard reports, formal monthly Steering Group reports and other necessary reports. Through her approach and ability to work with others, she ensures that the reports are issued on time with consistent and quality data. She has been openly praised by both the T&T Project Director and the client for the quality of the Steering Group Report.

From a learning perspective, she has played a role in developing the project programme, and has learning on the job to use the software and understanding the construction process.

From an overall perspective she has very quickly become an integral member of the team, respected and relied upon by both T&T team members and the client"

My first client at the Shard, Mr B Ainsworth's testimonial (who so happens to be the man who constructed the Millenium Dome - now called The O2 ):

"I have rarely seen someone grip a task, shape it, own it and deliver a result that would shame many of those who have been in our industry for many years.

Fiona joined our team in July and since that time the quality, content and timeliness of the teams reports and dashboards have improved dramatically. She has understood the criticality of reporting /information on a major project and has demonstrated the patience and commitment required to gather the information from a large number of sources ensuring the output appears when promised. All this achieved with the disregard to how at times it eats into her own personal time.

In additional to this ‘day job’ Fiona took the task of collating, setting out and producing an information booklet/ quick guide to the project. The quality of this has led to our marketing department adopting the same, and its overall popularity means it is heading for its third production run. Fiona also has taken on a further task of creation and management of substantial sections of our developer’s programme, a not inconsiderable task when you consider this is a £ ¾ billion inner city high rise project sitting within one of the busiest stations in London.

I find Fiona always ready to assist and somebody I can always rely on for quality, understanding and speed of output and I look forward to seeing her develop inside of my team, to her benefit as well as that of the industry"

And finally from my current line manager A.T. at Gatwick Airport (whom I thanked upon promoting me)

"You are most welcome Fiona. You thoroughly deserve it. Keep up the good work (now you can buy an iPhone)"

Just when I thought it was too tough to handle, things do come around. I have my colleagues and team to thank who've all made this journey worthwhile.

The Promise - Tracy Chapman

I'm embedding this because it's the 4th time someone's told me about this rather beautiful song. It's not in my list of Tracy Chapman songs but since serendipity called, I cannot ignore her.

Little India Hot Spots in London

Had some great South Indian food last weekend with Thina and Taps in East Ham. We went to Saravanna Bhavan (the same branch as the one in KL) and was mighty chuffed to see 'Gobi 65' (deep fried spiced cauliflower) on the menu. It's my favourite item on the menu in the branch back in Bangsar, KL. Yin Li and I would go to the Saravanna Bhavan on Jalan Maarof after Ashtanga Yoga on Sundays and put back what we've burnt with yummy Indian.

The last time I had south indian was in Wembley. There were lots of shops there but the one we ate was Shiv-recommended Sanghamam (vegetarian). Very nice chilli paneer.

I also understand that Tooting would also be another good place for South Indian food.

Otherwise, rows of vegetarian restaurants can also be found on Drummond street near Euston station. Priti recommends Ravi Shankar, a vegetarian restaurant(mostly North-fare). There are a couple of Indian grocery stores there as well.

The other well-known restaurant would be Pakistani 'Tayyabs' in Whitechapel. Really crowded in the evenings especially on weekends and you'd have to bring ur own corkage as they don't serve alcohol.

Brick lane has tons of Pakistani and north Indian along the road but not sure how authentic they are as they seem pushy and 'touristy'

Went to Southall today as its on the way from Heathrow to Paddington. Lots of clothes shops and North Indian restaurants here. Blew my grocery budget off with spices in the big 'Quality' store - the biggest Indian grocery (aptly a'super-store')which sells everything you need to make for paneer, ghulab jamuns, kerala, bendi, chutney and whatever you name it. I wanted to get a crate of mangoes but it would be ridiculous carrying it all the way to Central London, on the way to dinner.

Being Malaysian, I recognize the symptom of obsessive-food exploration. Will sometimes find it hard to explain to non-Malaysians about this tick. Nevertheless I'm proud that we are so varied that appreciation of the spices and styles of cooking is in-built within us. Love live all the Malaysian bellies.

More English 'English'

More on English 'English'

Both buttocks = A complete arse

Raspberry = cripple (Ripple)

China = Mate (Plate)

Trouble = wife (and strife)

Taking the piss = Make fun of

Snake and Pygmy Pie = Steak and Kidney Pie

2 vs 4, Us = Me = Ridiculosity

2 vs 4

Had another game of ultimate last friday and it was just 6 of us on the field this time (2 pulled out at the last minute) 8 is a passable number but 6 is pushing it for a game and push we did. Anyway since it was Ian (aka frisbee king)we had to split it into 2 and 4. It was a pretty relaxed game, too relaxed as we found ourselves losing anyway (either the 2 were really that good, or 4 of us were really lousy or a combination of both). The windy conditions didn't make it any easier either and we called it a day to go for a nice dinner at Hare and Tortoise (where I dumped some banana skin at the door in protest of the long queue and Ali tries to chat up the waitress - although I don't think asking for something more expensive than what's in the menu would do)

Us = Me = Ridiculosity

You know things are getting ridiculous when people don't express their expectations and when you don't fulfill them, you've 'failed' somewhat.

And then you find yourself apologizing for something which is not entirely your fault.

You also realise that you were always alone in it from the start and begin to wonder how big have you built this castle in the sky.

She's Always a Woman - Billy Joel

To all my girls out there....

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child,
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me

CHORUS:
Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me
--Mhmm--

Bridge

CHORUS:
Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me
--Mhmm--

Everly Brothers - Dream / Cathy's Clown

Vini came over and we sang to retro- hits (Are you Lonesome Tonight - Elvis, Jambalaya, Tie a Yellow Ribbon, Close To You - Carpentars etc.) which brought back memories of childhood when dad would put on his tapes in the yellow Ford station wagon while he and mom sat in front, me and sis would be at the back. He played all these 'then' hits, probably re-living his hey-days as a rocker, bowling champ, body-builder dude (he still keeps his Elvis bob till today) - me and sis were subjected to the 'oldies-but-goldies' the whole way through the car journey (sometimes repeatedly).

I grew to love these songs and had my particular favourites e.g. The Carpentars "Yesterday Once More", Cliff Richard's "Living Doll", "Evergreen Tree", Everly Brothers'"Cathy's Clown","Dream",(almost all in the record actually', Elvis "Devil in Disguise","Suspicious Minds" to name a few. When mom or dad parked the car and left me in it to run errands I'd reach over and 'touched' (which I wasn't supposed to) the tape player to fwd/rewind to my fave bits

Here's my favourite oldy-but-goldy band, the Everly Brothers singing my all time favourite "Dream" and "Cathy's Clown"

This Week in April

Well it's another month gone - salary's in.

I've been to 5 person's houses this month alone. Had 1 potluck in one, a big roast in another. Since last week have met quite a few new people (in life and in work)

Been sleeping late and neglecting exercise recently so that's the "not-good" bit. Get really cranky then.

Started playing ultimate which is the 'good' bit.

Worked in 2 airports - it's a time of change at work and am going to be moving from one to the other. Commute is really expensive and time-consumning but I look forward to the new development.

April was also the month of the London Marathon - quite exciting.

Celebrated Easter by playing for the church

Went on a mystery date

Finally went to Brighton with the girls and we had a lovely time.

Had some really good news from friends about
a. moving house
b. getting hitched
c. baby moving into 2nd trimester
d. found a boyfriend
e. Going home for good
f. coming back to the UK from home
g. changing career
h. buying a car


The weather is getting really warm now and I can't stand wearing a coat in the train. Now moving into the mid of the 2nd quarter of 2010 - you know you're enjoying life when it moves so quickly.

To all the Marathon Runners- Past, Present & Future

Tomorrow will be one of London's greatest days in the year, and probably one of the greatest in the sporting calendar- the Virgin London Marathon. If this is your first marathon, you'd been training for the past months now and have had your trial run around London.You probably have some sort of ailment i.e. sore knee, aching ankle or shints but what's more worrying is not the physical ailment but the risk of not finishing the race. For all you marathon runners, whether fledgling or veteran, the same feelings will be there: anxiousness, trepidation, excitement, anticipation. You've probably noticed that it has been a week now since they've put up signs on the road 'Road Closure for the London Marathon April 25 2010' Pubs are displaying free grub for marathoners - you start off on the Sunday morning on the DLR with the fact that the whole of London and the world will be cheering you on.

As a writer wrote "We're all involved in this somehow - we all know someone who's taken part - who's succumbed to, overcome, or been overtaken by, some guy dressed as a llama'

For all you london marathoners out there, past, future and present, whether running or not; the pain is temporary but the pride is forever.

God gives

Got a really nice message from Lat today

" I miss my friends. When I see some other gang sitting around, caring, slapping each other, their mischievous smiles switching to loud laughters. Though stranger to me, they represent a part of my life I lost somewhere. I miss my friends. I like you, love you all and miss you all"

I miss you all too! (to the Kajai gang) and also to Angie and the girls.

Getting nostalgic now with a few friends leaving the UK in the coming months. Especially being single in a foreign land, your friends tend to become your family here. There's also the realization that people are likely to move in and out of our lives quite frequently with London being such a transient city. (Am also coming to terms with the fact that some friends are also leaving Malaysia and I'd probably not see them for a very long time)

On another note, I spoke to my mum last week about Aunty Nora. Somehow I thought about her (funnily enough, mum was thinking very much about her too) She and Uncle Ibrahim used to come over and play golf with mum and dad, hang out at our place in the evenings playing 'pok-kuat', go on holidays together many years ago when I was a teenager (I remember the great East Coast road trip where a few families drove to Banting to Kelantan to Pahang, to Terengganu and all the way back to KL). I grew up, went to university, started working. But Uncle Ibrahim and Aunty Nora would still now and then come to play golf with mum and dad but less so. Unfortunately she is not here with us today as she's passed away a few years ago God bless her.It seems unreal that people move on from this earth but you'd expect to see them one day.

So the next time someone hurts or disappoints, makes us laugh or cry with happiness, we can comfort ourselves with this phrase:

"God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you NEED. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be."

"Happiness is a by-product"

How ironic it is that in the pursuit of happiness, we become unhappiness in itself.

Unforeseen Circumstances

The station concourse was practically vacant this morning - the 3 coffee shops were open (WH Smith was shut - due to an electrical fault) and there were a few millers and airport workers grazing the floor.

Everything else seemed alright, the sky was blue, check-in counters open, bus transfers active on the forecourt, but passengers and travellers strangely absent. Felt like a scene out of a Stephen King movie, "The Longaliers" where a handful of plane passengers land in a mysteriously deserted airport from another dimension.

According to my colleagues, it would be chaos to fly, as the planes were all crazily parked all over the piers. On the flight information screens, all flights were shown as 'Cancelled' or 'Check with airline'(north-bound ones)

All this is due to a 200-year silent volcano with a funny name a few thousand miles away which decided erupt. It seemed strange too as the weather looked so nice outside; bright sunshine, blue skies and fluffy white clouds.

Work fun

My colleagues are a really funny bunch - we all have nicknames for each other (can't believe they're all propagated by 40 somethings)

Andy Tarrant - Commission Manager - Tarantula
Tim Chopping - Senior Planner - Choppers
Rita Dunauskyte - Planner (North Terminal) - Rita Skeeter (ala Harry Potter)
Steve Arnold - Planner (South Terminal) - Steve (:P)
Me - Cost and Programme Reporting - Psycho Ninja

There's a printout of an arrow with the word 'Blame' and it's pointing at me. I put up another one pointing towards Choppers.

Every once in a while, Rita and I would play a musical toy (which amy's given me) to entertain or annoy the others. When it's serious, it gets serious but when it's balmy, it's just really funny.

Quantifying the Intangibles

A friend of mine came up with the concept of quantifying friendship by 'points'. It all started off with a discussion on one of the concepts from Covey's '7 Habits" i.e. the EBA (Emotional Bank Account. If we counted utilities derived from the friendship in 'points' and these 'points' are stored in a 'friendship account', and as time passes, we'd have a steady input(or even output) in the 'account'. The higher the balance, the loftier your friendship status is; and the lower the balance, the lower the ranks you become amongst other friends.

How simple it is to give a measurement to an intangible by representation but cynical upon the friendship on that part.

Off to France: Strategy, project management, communication etc.

Off to France tomorrow for the Erasmus Mundus Conference. Thanks to Amy for letting me know about it and encouraging to apply. Surprisingly they've selected my and Hedi's theses paper for one of the workshops and I'd have to deliver it in a 30 min presentation.

Whilst preparing for it, I recalled the summer of 2009, I was in the AIG offices in Milan with the Financial Lines department - I've been there for 3 weeks - it was August and the weather was surprisingly cool. Ferragosto is a quiet period for the Milanese but the team in the office never has a dull moment. and Solaro, Florian, Antonio and a few of the other guys have been super-cool to me. They've put me on the IT system to vet some contracts, taught me a bit about underwriting some of the products i.e. PI (Personal Indemnity, Engineering, A&H. It's a whole different world of insurance compared to my professional experience back home.

Fast forward to the winter of 2009, I'm now in the AIG office in Stockholm. I'm working on the same systems again but it's in a quieter environment (Stockholms' offices are smaller). I'm on my own lap top in a hot desk (used to be owned by one of the staff who's on the Xmas hols) and everyone is quietly hunched over their desks. I'm next to the Financial Lines department again but not working directly with them as I did in Milan but with another department (Underwriting)- more data entry than anything. I feel the atmosphere is more relaxed and calmer but always an underlying TOD.

Despite what's happened to AIG, I still am amazed by my moving through 3 different offices in 3 different countries (paid a visit to La Defense in Paris to speak to Jon Noel, head of OOC too for a day). That's what I call a global company.

I owe my thanks to Ms Ariela Camis de Fonseca(Milan), Muhaini Musa (Malaysia), Aiken Yuen (Hong Kong), Berit Adolfssen (Stockholm),Dawn Cheyrouze (Paris). And for the theses writing, my partner, Hedi Yousefi-Zadeh and our supervisor (now Vice Chancellor of Sundsvall University, Sweden) Anders Soderholm.

Today I fly off to Bordeaux to share this experience.

A wound won't heal if you keep opening it up.

J, this is for you:

It's been 3 weeks now since 'the cut'. It was in anticipation of happiness; the reason for it happening but all it led to was a slice so deep that it really hurts. It really hurts doesn't it? We try to be brave and move on, but it's another thing to keep revisiting it. Wounded flesh takes time to heal - the only way to do it is to really leave it alone. Do other stuff, distract yourself, get busy, anything but get the injury hurt again. It may take a long time, a lifetime, but we need to heal - we owe ourselves that much. I have good news, consolation for you; the body is an amazing creation - it can, and it will.

(and that is for me too)

Ping Pong

Suddenly have an urge to play 'round-the-table' ping pong. Used to do it a lot back in Umea with the Swedes. We were about 7-8 people running around the ping pong table and seeing who'd be final champ. I wasn't bad for a start(must be my Chinese genes). Popped over to Sportsdirect and the bats weren't really expensive (about 2.50GBP). There's a club in Brick Lane that does that (The Young Offender's Institute - might pop by one of these days)

Springs

Spring 2010
16th March,22.50pm, Monday, London, Rolls Road
The weather is starting to get warmer - 10-12 C - is it me or is there less rubbish wind to seep into your coat and then your bones. It's starting to get brighter now - I walk to London Bridge station in broad light instead of the grey light. The dawn breaks at 5.30am now (I am awake by now usually) and I wonder if I should be happy or sad that the day has caught up with me. My coat is too warm now when it was not too long before that I used to chastise myself for not having layered enough. I know its spring when I see the flowers start to bloom on my morning walk - crocuses and daffodils especially. The purple ones look especially vibrant. I remember a conversation with a bunch of Europeans; I hadn't been abroad before and asked which seasons did they love the best. Most them said 'the spring' although I expected them to say the warm summer. Now I understand why; It's the feeling of new beginning, new hope that permeates the air.

Spring 2009
13th April, 9.48pm, Friday, Amsterdam, Stayokay Hostel Vondelpark
Pooped- I spent a total of 65EU and it's only been a day. Met up with Eleanor and Chew Ping this morning at the station and they were happy enough but it's now 8pm and we've just arrived to the pier on the ferry...12.50EU. Struggled to stay awake throughout the float but failed several times.

Met up with Boris after so many years and he still looks the same. He has a baby girl named Lisee now. What a big difference from the hazy crazy trainee days in Malaysia....he's a daddy now. Good to meet up with old friends.

Spring 2008
20th April, 4.50pm, Sunday, Umea Sweden, Fysikgrand 3H-101

Just came back from Skogis with Bimal. This Sunday was one of the more interesting Sundays of my days in Umea. I woke up at 9am which was rather early considering the party at Malin's (birthday)....ate breakfast and then fell back asleep again. Woke up at 11.45am again when Bimal called to tell me that we had an appointment with Anders at 1pm in the business school. Anders had been away for his new job as Vice-Chancellor of Sundsvall University. We had a nice walk to the uni in the new spring weather. Spring finally arrived on Tuesday mid-of-the-month with the sunny days and mysterious evaporation of the snow. The past few days have been blue skies and sunshine and birds singing in the trees

Spring 2007
15th April, 4.45pm, Milan, Parco Sempione
'Ty' in the park. Actually sandwiches, cornflakes to munch on, apples and orange juice. Jas and I are sitting on a blanket in the park. Haven't done this since Ela and her bf and I went to Ulus Parki in Istanbul. It was 2002.

Spring is here; the air is cool and the sun is shining. Green, green, green everywhere. Dark aquamarines, white daisies, purple flowers, birds singing...Italians are starting to come alive; families play ball; couples sunbathing in the grass. Far off, there's bhangra music playing (bhangra??) and drum beats, urgent, ushering the warm weather in celebration. I like best the daisies; dainty delicate things poking through the grass as if to say 'hello'. I used to think they were special since they were rare in Malaysia. Plucked them to press in books, later immortalizing them in my bookmark collection. Now they are everywhere around me; where there's green, there are the daisies. They never stand alone; if they did, it didn't look right. Two or three balanced in the picture and there was always a cluster; never a 'one'.

Ludivico Einaudi - I Giorni (The Days)

It was 12 plus in Rolls Road and here I was baking in the night (consequences of sleeping too much in the afternoon) Was tuned into the BBC Classic channel and this beautiful gem came on. Listening to this in the calm, in the clear and in the night came to me in a revelation that sometimes we are meant to find happiness when we least expect it even if it's only for a while.